What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?
Everyone has issues. Everyone needs help. It is not a bad thing to ask for help
Now, I just need to learn to swallow my pride and take it...
How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?
Well. I have this one friend. Who will do anything for me. Always loves me even when I am completely ridiculous. She really wants to help me and be my friend. Not just because she is a Christian. Through the past year she showed me that not all Christians are stuck up jerks. While I am still unsure about my thoughts and feelings on that, I am learning to have an open mind. It wasn't a sudden change. Very gradual. Still changing. I wish I could be like her, Her attitude is phenomenal.
Day 7- Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
This year my co-workers have become my family. Ya, there are of course people there I don't like, and people there that make my life miserable. But for the most part i love everyone I work with. The women in my area and I really click. They love me no matter what. Heck, they even threw me a surprise birthday party two weeks ago. Honestly I have never felt like I have belonged and had friends like this before. I am really enjoying it.
This next year I hope to get involved in a community like that at the church we are going to.
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Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
I made Stockings and a tree skirt. I totally got all her Christmas decorations this year. Everything is hot pink and black. I love it! The only picture I have is on Facebook. I cannot find it on my computer.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/photo.php?fbid=727599058697&set=a.710898147457.2288931.20616259
Yes, I may or may not be skipping some...
Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
I have let go of a lot. Holding onto people I need to not have in my life, or people who don't want me in their life. In the past I have tried to hard to be friends with people, or make relationships work that just don't need to work. I have focused on not being so affected by how other people think of me. It has been really nice. I think I have made more friends that way. Go figure.
I also cleaned out my closet...A lot...
Day 2- – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
Lazyness. I would rather lay on the couch watching a movie with Dan.
Insecurity. I am a bad writer, I don't want people to know. And I am insecure about what or how much to say.
Iphone. I am hardly ever on my computer anymore.
Day one- One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you
Transforming. Not Transformed. because there is a lot of transforming still going on in my life. Every aspect of my world has been turned upside down and backwards the past 18 months. I never thought I was going to make it through the way I did.
My marriage was basically over and I could do nothing to fix it. It went from dead to alive and thriving in a matter of weeks. I never would have guessed even before being married that our love and commitment to each other could be so strong. That something that i had felt was always missing from our relationship showed up seemingly overnight this year. We have never been happier and cannot ask for a better outcome. I am so thankful for the difficult circumstances Dan and I walked through together. I would never wish they did not happen because of the relationship it brought us into.
At the beginning of last year I could not step foot into a church without getting so mad at everyone in there. I was mad at God and did not want to ever hear anything about him again. I hated God and His Christians. My prayers were just me yelling and screaming inside my head. I hear no response. I stopped trying. I convinced myself that God did not care about me so I stopped caring about him. Through all the mess and feelings of being alone. There was a friend who cared about me and was there for me even when I never asked for it. She took care of me. Never did I feel like she was trying to look down on me or be my pastor friend like I felt everyone else was doing. She was real. She really cared about me whether or not I was a Christian. She invited me to her church one day. Despite still feeling uncomfortable in church, I can now say I am sad when I miss church and wonder what I missed. I want to try and I want to care. For where I was a few months ago, that's a huge step.
If who I was last year could see where I am now, I think she would pass out. HA, This time next year I hope I can say the same thing. I hope this next year can be described as enriched, growth, and change. Yes, change.
I recently watched every episode of Laguna Beach and The Hills. I am embarrassed to say I loved it.
In the words of Lauren about her friend Whittney. "I applied here for a career. I never expected to get a friend." That's how I feel about my friends Lissa and Jen from Hobby Lobby. I applied for a job. And met two people who enjoy my company. So grateful to have friends where work.
Several weeks ago I had a complete emotional break down. I was up all night a few weeks ago. I completely lost it. Everything had just caught up with me and I couldn't take it anymore. I was so upset I deleted everything on the Internet about me. One: because I didn’t want anyone to know anything about me. Two: because I cannot write at all. I blame homeschooling for that. But my rant on how homeschooling is the worst idea ever is a whole post in its own.
This is why I blog; Completely honest right here. I say these things to people who I thought were my friends. They ignore me, and push me away. But if I don’t get it out, it just sits in my head forever and eats me up. So, I blog. Maybe someone reads and cares and understands me. Probably not. But I feel like people can read it, and if they do care, great. If not, I will never know.
I have become more and more closed off and superficial with people this year. Because I was honest about some embarrassing things going on in my private life, and no one cared. They just made me feel like I was more on the outside then I had felt before. So I stopped talking to anyone. I hid behind sarcasm and hateful jokes. I don’t want to be like that. I want people to like me for me, not for the person I try to be so people like me. So I start blogging again…lets see how disastrous it turns out this time.
I have always struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide. I cannot remember a time when I was free of those thoughts. It was less severe with medication, but I don't want to be someone who is dependent on drugs to be happy. I feel so lame. So, I quit taking them…probably a really dumb idea on my part. I am all about not spending money on things that are not important.
I have been hurt a lot. I’m sure if there were a way to take a picture of someone’s emotional heart, mine would look like it has been viciously murdered. I am thankful for a husband who tells me its ok to cut off people that wont stop being hurtful. He is always protecting me and doing his best to make sure I don’t get hurt. That pretty much means cutting everyone out of my life and making all new friends. The only people that are staying in my life are Dan’s parents. I love his mommy. She is the only person that gets me, and loves me no matter how ugly I can get.
*Side note from my soapbox* When someone is yelling at you and telling you that you are hurting someone and it needs to stop. When they tell you she is trying, but is so done because of how you treat her. How about an apology? Why act like nothing happened? And you are going to still expect them to bend over backwards to try to have a relationship? Hell no!
Right now I am trying my best to live out what I believe. But I am failing. I cannot seem to get my whole heart behind my head. I want to be a Christian. No, I don’t want to be a Christian. ‘Christians’ are jerks. I want to be a follower of Christ. No religion crap being sold in churches today. I believe it all. But something is holding me back. I feel like my feet are tied together and I cannot jump like my heart so desperately wants to. I can worship, I can read with Dan every night. But when it comes to praying and talking to God from me, not a song that someone else wrote, I freeze up and want to run.
Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the people who have cut me the deepest have been Christians or my family members or best friends. Maybe it is because I feel like Gods promises are not being fulfilled, when really, it is just not fast enough for me. In all honesty, I really don’t know. Otherwise I would be trying to work through it.
A friend I work with invited us to go to her church. So we are trying something new. Boy do I mean new. Sometimes it is uncomfortable how foreign it is for me. Maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t know, we will see. I remember Dan’s comment when I asked him what he thought after we visited together. He said, “Its very different, but the community there seems real. And that’s more important than not 100% agreeing with every thing.”
Going along side of being not completely comfortable there, I HATE meeting new people. I am so bad at it. It’s just so awkward. I have never been good at making conversations to get to know people. (Another reason I hate homeschooling…You NEVER have a chance to talk to people) Hopefully it will get easier and people wont think we are introverted and don’t care. We just stink at initiating. (And Dan is very antisocial)
OK, I need to stop… Maybe I can l go through my time machine and see if I can find my old blogs. Probably not. I don’t know how it works.
