Dictionary

I have not posted in a while. Several reasons.
1. My computer crashed and we cannot afford to fix it, and the mac people cannot fix it.
2.My job is not sitting on the computer doing nothing anymore.
3. I feel like if I post anything about my life right now, it will turn into an emotional vomit. And I don't want to do that online. But I think I have gotten past that point and just need to write. Its almost better than paying for therapy for me. :)

The past month and a half has been really rocky. We have not been going from the lows to the highs, but from one valley to another.

I am tired and ready for a break, but there is no end in site right now. Our whole little world has just caved in around us and we are sufficating reaching for air.

I honestly believe that if you look in the dictionary for lonely and depressed, my name will be there. My friends are all in the last semester and a half of college and are working two full time jobs and going to class so I never see them. The other people I have met recently and would love to be friends with are just as busy.

Dan and I feel like we are the only ones around for each other. And we both know that's not enough or healthy. Relationships are so imoprtant to us, especially me. I like people!

We have realized that God has showed us what we are called to do with our lives and marriage together. We want to be doing those exciting things now, but we are not ready. If we tried to do those things now, we would fail. We need to be focusing on the time in our life now and draw near to God now to prepare us for the next stage in our lives. But that's so hard because we are impatient Americans and want it now.

Interesting things on the road today

Today as I was stopped at a light I saw the greatest bumper sticker ever.

"My child is a average successful student at____ public school"

I definitely laughed our loud.



At another light I was sitting there forEVER! I think the light forgot to turn green for the people waiting to go my direction. The truck in front of me had about 6 christian bumper stickers on it.When the light finally turned green, he reved his engine and but off the 18 wheeler next to us. He proceeded to flip every car off as he passed them.

I laughed out loud again. I will NEVER put a Christian bumper sticker on my car, because I do not drive like a Christian.

New Song.

I love this song. But then Dan told me what it was about and what the music video was about. He told me he thinks of me every time he hears it, and he gets a little teary eyes. I now love this song more now! I love it when there is a song that just sums up your life in a few minutes.

Life Update-May 16, 2009

Posting doesn't happen as often as it used to, because I no longer have a job sitting on the internet all day every day.

Dan and I are both loving out jobs. I have not been so happy with my job since high school. I love it at Hobby Lobby. I have been doing a great job not buying anything there. (I love that store) But yesterday a lady came through my line with puppy t-shirts and stuff to decorate them. I fear my first purchase is coming soon. I cannot stop thinking about them.

I have been sick for about a week. It seems I have had every kind of virus imaginable this week. At least they were all at the same time. I only had to miss two days of work. Dan had sent off out application for health insurance. Since we have new jobs, we cannot get benefits from there until the end of the summer. We decided it would be best to get something through our insurance agent in case. It would have been nice to be able to go to the doctor and get antibiotic and a note for my boss. I probably would have been sick for a whole week. Now, I am just coughing like I am a chronic smoker. I feel like there is a huge piece of my throat missing. But I can tell I am in the upward climb. I cannot wait to feel better again! I know Dan will be thrilled!

Our good friends Barkley and Ricky Beers had a baby yesterday. I went to go see her last night. She is so perfect. Mom and little Eve Caroline are doing great and might be able to come home today. No one cares about the daddy, he didn't do anything. :) It was so sweet to watch him with Barkley and of course Eva, he couldn't take his eyes off her unless he was helping Barkley with something. It was the most precious thing ever. It was special to be there in her fist few hours of life. I cannot wait to watch her grow up and become a completely beautiful little women. And Ricky and Barkley are going to be the best parents.

My best friend having the most precious baby in the world is really not helping me with my baby fever. Dan and I want our own so bad. Ella is completely wonderful and our whole life basically, but we really want a baby. We know its probably too soon and there are a lot of things that need to be worked out first before we start trying. And there will be a few complications with us having a baby, so, its going to take some prayer and patience to get everything worked out once we decide we are ready to try. But who knows when that will be. We just really want to start that part of our life, however, we are defiantly enjoying the stage we are in right now. Just when our friends are having babies, it is on our mind a lot!

belonging

Most of the time I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I do not fit in with any of the people I hang out with.

I am probably to self conscious and insecure.

But most of the time I feel left out and like no one really likes me.

When I think practically I know it is probanbly just because I don't know anyone in my age in my stage of life. But my heart still feels like no one likes me.

I am just lonely.

Miley Cryus

Kayla and I had a girls night of shopping, dinner and a movie tonight. I miss just getting to hang out and talk. It is so meaningful and important to me. We went to see Hannah Montana. There was only two other girls in the theater. For a while we thought we were going to be the only ones. It was one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. Most of the time when I see movies, I think seeing them once is enough, and dont really want to own them. I really think I want to own this movie.

At the end Miley and her dad have a scene together that is emotional. I love their relationship, how they are father and daughter, but friends. Here are the lyrics...I bawled my eyes out from this scene on. I felt extremely stupid crying like a baby in a Hannah Montana movie...But there is a reason. I promise.

You tucked me in, turned out the light
kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Mustv'e been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away (Butterfly fly away)
Got your wings, now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away(Butterfly fly away)
You've been waiting for this day
All along and know just what to do

Butterfly, Butterfly, Butterfly
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away

I used to have a good relationship with my Dad. Now it is anything but. That is a long complicated story. I have never had a good relationship with my mom. I have done anything and everything to try to be friends with her and respect her. Dad asked me to. He said when I moved out and became an adult it would be a lot better. It has gotten nothing but worse, and it has ruined my relationship with my dad and whole Family.

I care, but I don't care. I really wish I had a close family. I see my friends now who are becoming best friends with their parents and how close they all are. I want that so bad. But I am the only one in my family that acts like they want it. I wish I had deep relationships with all of them. But every time I try, or put my heart on the line, I get it broken. So, I dont care anymore. I have tried my best for 21 long years. No one seems to care about me or even want me around or be my friend. It breaks my heart. It hurts so much. But I have to move on. I cannot keep allowing myself to get my hopes up and hurt again.

What really scares me is having my own kids and family. I have all these dreams of what I want my own kids and family to be like. But I have no clue how to go about doing that. Dan and I had a long talk about that last night. He told me not to worry about stuff so much, and that as a team we would be able to do the best we can.

Now, stop reading my ramblings and go watch the Hannah Montana movie.

First big purchase together!

My husband bought me this couch today!! Our couch was my grandmothers in the 60s. By the time I was born it was in her basement unused. When you sit on it, you basically fall on the floor because the pillows dont stay on. We have tried Velcro, Duct Tape, everything. Nothing works.

We have been wanting a new couch since we got married. I have been praying about it...Yes, I prayed for a couch. I hated the couch that much.

Dan got so frustrated with the couch this morining he got on Walmart.com and found something cheep that would function and meet our needs. We had nothing else to do for the day, so he thought we should at least go to a real furniture store and see what getting a real piece of furniture would cost. We were not planning on buying anything, we just were going to look and see what we like and how much money we are going to need to save. I asked him on the way what our budget was....We agreed not to spend over 800 even when we were ready to buy.

We get to the first store and tell the sales guy we are just looking and wanting to get an idea on prices. We told him about our couch now and he just died laughing.

I have looking at this couch for a long time and absolutely LOVE it! But it was always like at least one or two grand. So, I knew I would never get it. We were sitting on it and Dan said we could save up for it and get it because in this store it was only 1000. As we were sitting on it writing down the style and information so we could look online to see if we could find it cheaper anywhere else, The sales guy comes up and tells us that it is now discontinued and the floor model is for sale and it is several hundred dollars off. (WAY below our budget.)

We bought it. Because with that huge sale sticker with that price, it wouldn't be there long. So, we bought our first piece of furniture together to day! So exciting!

Jobs and Blondes

I got hired at Hobby Lobby today. I will be a cashier, and after 90 days I will be the manager of all the cashiers. I am so excited. It is absolutely perfect for my needs in a job from what he told me. I start Monday morning!

After I got the job, Dan did not answer his phone, so I just went and did what I said I would do once we were employed again. I died my hair blond. It is VERY blond. I love the color!! However, I am not excited about the cut. I think it looks horrible on me. But I think I remember always thinking that when I get my hair cut differently. I am sure it will grow on me and when it grows out a tad bit it will look fine.

I also went and bought a wallet and key chain I have wanted FOREVER! It was a mini celebration day. I had a wonderful time.

Can I get some back up please?

Manners.
Respect for others.
Not to be rude.
Be quiet while others are talking.
Have a mature conversation for maybe even 1 minute.

I cannot teach 5 wild crazy silly 7th grade girls this on my own. I cannot lead a discussion and teach while keeping everyone quiet. I absolutely love my girls. But today when they came over I wanted to call all their parents and have them come get them. I cannot control the madness on my own. I need a co-leader. One that is present, committed and responsible.

Next year, Hopefully I will have such a co-leader. I am going to beat into them how to respect adults, the home they are at, and each other.

In another group I was in charge of keeping everyone quiet and respectful of others. The other leader led the discussions. It worked perfectly.

I just needed to vent. I needed a beer after everyone left tonight. I went into the bedroom where Dan was and he just laughed at me as I collapsed on the bed and told him we needed to go get some.

Jobless in Fayetteville

This having no job thing is really working out for me.

My apartment has never been so lean and organized. It is great for my OCD. And I still have more to organize. It is wonderful.

My sleep hours are great. Last night we went to bed at 2AM and woke up at 11AM. I can really get used to this. That is probably not good. We need to get back in the habit of a normal sleep routine. (No business is open early enough to have to get up and actually be there early. So we go during lunch and early afternoon.)

I get to work out, read my Bible and spend quality time with Dan every day.

I can really get used to this. That is not good. If only there was a way we did not have to work... But alas, that will NEVER happen.

As hard and stressful as it is, we are really enjoying this time of complete freedom when it comes to how we spend our time. I will be kind of sad when it is over.